Anonymous
asked:
I know kink is getting very popular. Do you think there are too many 'subs' in the world?

Haha thats kind of funny. I suppose there’s a trend that ‘kink’ is getting destigmatized. Its difficult to answer because its such a multi-faceted issue that you bring up. 

First and foremost, I think what we’re dealing with as far as ‘popularity’ is something of a double edged sword. In its basest quality, kink (or fetish) is something that is merely meant to bring you pleasure. The ‘what’ is easy. But to dig deeper into the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ is where I think we run into trouble. There is a dynamic that has to be understood before it can be practiced well. Not just anyone with a whip in their hands can understand the line. Things like 50 Shades I think hurt our community in ‘mainstreaming’ it. Not because I want to feel like I’m special, but because I want people to understand it. And that intellectual pursuit is something that, honestly, I don’t trust the general public to participate in.

Secondly, I think its more that the kink world is being opened up to younger and younger people now. In the past, the ‘sexual revolution’ didn’t happen until later in life (due to less exposure, societal taboos, etc). Often I’m met with surprise when older guys in the kink community realize my experience. With homosexuality itself being more accepted by society, we find ourselves in a place where access to sex and all of the activities therein is much more readily available. When that happens, people begin to explore and understand the things outside of the ‘vanilla’ of penetrative intercourse. Also, obviously, the internet. (Tumblr especially…)

Thirdly, The struggle with that is that submissives, by nature, are those who seek to be controlled and seek to find people who know more than they do. Many of the Doms I know were once subs themselves. But to be a Dom when you’re younger takes a lot of courage and a very innate connection to being more in a caretaker or mature role. Naturally, the kink scene that we are exposed to is going to be at least somewhat more reliant on the people we are attracted to. 

Its frustrating, yes. Its difficult to find someone who is younger and attractive who also has the mindset and experience to create a true submissive headspace. To learn to Dominate is to learn to understand the submissive. And many do that through the experience of BEING the submissive. Understand here that I’m not saying that the submissive headspace is easy. Its not, by any means. But there is a physically active and decisive quality that needs to exist for a Dom to be successful. 

To be as clear as possible: No, I don’t think there are ‘too many subs’. I think there are too few Doms. 

I can say with certainty that finding someone for myself and for Noah and I has been something of a struggle because of that. We’re put in the position to learn to be Dominant because we love each other. And thats okay. But at a certain point it does feel a bit sacrificial.

But, and heres the really important thing: be true to yourself. Don’t feel like you’re required to be submissive because you’re younger, but also don’t feel like you’re obligated to be Dominant because there are fewer of them. Do what feels right and best for you. Explore all facets of the world. Find people you connect with. Whatever your kink, whatever your fetish, don’t be afraid. Have fun. Be brave and bold and push yourself outside of that comfort zone. You’ll be surprised at what you can find.